It started off like most other mornings. I get on the train (commuter rail, actually) at one of the first stops so the train is mostly empty. At the next stop a mom and her 4 year old daughter get on. At the time I was reading my mail and didn't think much about them even though they were sitting right next to me. I couldn't help but hear the girl talk to her mom (neither could the rest of the people in the car, and the mom knew this). It was obvious both had taken the train before. In the course of the ride, though I never learned their names, I learned that this mom had 2 children. The older child was 21.
Now, kids aren't like adults when it comes to train rides. Kids like to have fun and this little girl was no exception. At first she was acting kind of shy but after a while she started talking. It took some time and showing her pictures of my kids helped break her out of her shyness. Before long the 3 of use were having a nice conversation. It was one of the more talkative rides I've had in a long time. This got me wondering, why do kids like to talk to people they don't know while adults don't? On any given work day, with the train full of adults you can hear a pin drop. Are adults just afraid to talk to other adults? Afraid if interrupting someone? What's the scoop? Now you might be saying "That's because adults know the dangers of talking to strangers". My response to that is this: We, the adults, are the ones CREATING the dangers. We make the world the safe or dangerous place it is by what we do. If there are dangers (and I believe there are) we have caused them and we attempt to protect our kids by teaching them not to talk to other people. "Don't talk to strangers" we tell them. Sometimes we even teach them not to make eye contact. How sad.
The truth is the we make the world what it is - be that a safe place or a dangerous place - its all a result of our actions, our inactions and even our thoughts.
I'm not going to teach my kids "not to talk to strangers". I believe this just teaches kids to be afraid of people and those kids grow up into adults who are afraid. I will teach them how to stay safe and I will also teach my children how to talk to people. I refuse to teach my children, either directly or indirectly, to be afraid.
-Steve
besides sending your children to karate class, I'm interested in just how you'll do that.
ReplyDeleteI think small children are innocent & therefore more apt to open up. People ask me all the time if my girls talk- they talk up a blue streak once they're comfortable in their surroundings.
As far as adults, well, I've ridden on those trains- there are some strange people on there.
However, if I rode the same train pretty much every day with the same people, I'd probably start talking to them. Although I've noticed since I've had children I'm less likely to talk to strangers than I used to be. Funny how parenthood changes your views on many things.
-g=G
Excellent question GE. I took your question very seriously. Maybe that's why it took me 1.5 years to figure out an answer. :-)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, your question is an important one. the answer varies very much by the age of the child and I believe what I'm going to suggest as an answer actually needs to be re-taught as the child gets older using more complex examples.
I can't constantly be protecting my kids - its just not possible. Therefor, I have to teach them to protect themselves. Physical protection is the easiest to learn, so we start there. Other way to teach kids to protect themselves are to teach them that what goes into their minds effects them whether they realize it or not. This is very important to realize. Everything they read, watch, listen to, and the people they interact with all effect them. Therefor we must monitor what goes in. Likewise, they are effecting other people. Second we must give them a firm foundation in the truth. To parents who don't believe that absolute truth exist, this task will be impossible because they will quickly realize they have no "real truth" to teach. To those who believe that there are absolutes (social absolutes, moral, civic, relational, etc) this task is easier.
Once kids know what the truths are (also known as teaching right and wrong) they can quickly spot when something falls outside this area.
Now, kids like frameworks and they actually look for life to fit within the framework their parents (teachers) describe. As soon as the kids are old enough to see things not "fitting in" they will start to ask a lot of "why" questions. This is where a great opportunity comes to discuss the situation with the child and to help them decide how (and if) that situation fits into the truth framework they've been taught all those years earlier.
In addition, kids need to have self confidence and the confidence to fail. These are learned skills. Some of it comes from watching their parents have self confidence as well as watching how their parents react when they "fail" in some way. Do the parents own up to the mistake or blame others (or blame a situation). Kids need to encounter situations where they can fail safely so they turn to their parents for help and guidance. They also need to have situations where they can press themselves beyond their limits and learn that they can overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
With this "training" (mental and physical), as the kids get older and experience more of the world and with mom and dad around them less and less, they will have the means to identify situations that will harm them and the means protect themselves from those situations.
Is it a perfect system - no. Also, there is one wildcard that I didn't mention. The ability to choose. All people have the ability to know what is "right" and still choose "wrong". However, I have it on good authority that people who are trained early will generally follow that training as they get older.